courage, perspectives »

With all this stuff going on with you, me, my friends, and others it feels
like there is some major shifting that is bringing up everyone's stuff
like the Universe saying "Okay, you say you believe a deeper truth so let's
see what choices you make when things hit the fan. Will you choose the
deeper beliefs of will you choose fear?" And I think what we choose sets
the stage for what happens next.

And I see that fear has me by the short hairs. I mean both the kind of fear that manifests as all the little
things that seem not-significant and the bigger fear that makes life small – both ultimately block the truth
that we are God fragments and that Universal Mind is our mind and vice versa. The kind of fear that is in the
layer that is right at the doorway to truth.

I've been looking at my energy patterns with people from the perspective of connection and how my deep fear
prevents me from living my deepest truth. I believe we are all connected and I believe I am whole and perfect
and powerful AND I believe that the really good/big stuff can happen for everyone but me. And, being that I am
wired for survival and have a little reptile brain in there along with the other aspects of brain, a part of me
says fear is a warning and I need to respond to fear first so I can survive. In other words, I need to act like
the fear is real, just in case.

So my little lizard brain is in a power-struggle with my Higher Mind and I am in the middle looking at the choices
I need to make and the attention I need to bring to my fears so I can work on behalf of my deeper truth and not
get jerked around by fear and what are, ultimately, just beliefs. What bugs me is I am acting like "But what if
the beliefs are actually true?? I should be careful…" But I am thinking, well what if they aren't?? And what
difference does it make anyway?! What kind of experience do I want to have and who do I want to be and how do
I choose to walk in this world today? Whether the fears are true or not can only be known at some point in the
future. I want to live NOW.

I am SOOOOO tired of being a chicken shit. I have lived my life with so much fear and I am seeing so clearly
how it permeates every single thing I do. It motivates a certain behavior(s) that completely antagonize Spirit
and the Juicy Truth being in the world through me and through others. I mean, if I can't live my truth how
the hell can I walk in complete honor and support of the truth in others? I mean, how can I even really see
their truth in the fullest way if I am blinded by my own fear?

I've also realized that I am so sensitive to how disconnected people are that I have felt some kind of
obligation to connect with them or to, at least, not make them feel more disconnected by feeling uncomfortable
around me. (Yeah, like a 6’ tall, fiery, opinionated woman who laughs way too loud can reel it in) But I
have acted like I am somehow responsible for people finding the truth under the illusion and that I am some
bridge to that truth so my behavior has to be a certain way lest I exacerbate the duality by just being a
person. What the hell kind of thing is that??? I severely limit me.

AND there is fear in it for me because part of me feels like if I really just let who I am be in the world
that I will be killed or persecuted or shamed. Conditioning from my past or a past life? Whatever. It's me
being a perpetual outcast who is trying not to make anyone else feel like an outcast. And this behavior is
fundamentally opposite of the truth that all is one, all is whole, all is perfect as it is. Trying to change
it all when the effort is motivated, even partly, by fear is very different than trying to change it because
of love.

Obviously both motivate me but I feel like I need to let go of my judgment and attachment to my humanness
and how I "should be" and just live where I really am as a whole and perfect thing in and of itself. Why not?
I mean, what the hell do I really know about ultimate truth for myself?

Anything I imagine it to be is just my imagination and, until I get there, I won't know really how it looks
or feels or behaves. The judgment and the stories and the fear and control and FEAR FEAR FEAR....I'm really
sick of it because I am just seeing so clearly what it is doing to me and others. What we do to ourselves
and to one another. It’s tragic.

If there is a magic bullet or secret trick to instantly shifting into another reality and truth, it is
discovered or revealed after a hard-won battle to get it. I think when one finds it it makes it seem like it
is instant. But the lifetimes and the suffering and the work it takes to get there is very real. I'm feeling
suspicious of anyone who claims to have arrived. There are just too many dimensions to fly around in and
explore to get to the BIGNESS in 90+/- years.

Maybe we just get to a point where we are satisfied with what we have discovered and stop seeking more?
Maybe that's the point? Or maybe we should never stop and work as hard as we can to find out how big we
might really be – map the whole vast interior universe. Become spiritual intronauts, ya know?

I have no idea. I know what sounds more fun. But whatever the future holds I know one thing for sure:
This fear thing is bugging the crap out of me and it has to STOP.

love »