The key to good communication is a mindset of discovery.

In our society we seem addicted to knowing and predicting and fixing and solving. So much so that we miss hundreds of opportunities each day to have meaningful connection with others.

Think of it like this: knowing and predicting and fixing and solving are all unidirectional energies, meaning they travel in one direction: outward. There is nothing receptive about them. No incoming anything. So conversation becomes like a tennis match – I smack the ball to you and you smack it back to me. We are interacting with the ball, not each other.

Discovery is a mindset of not knowing, a mindset of learning in a way that is full of surprises.

To really communicate with another person you have to be curious about them and about what you might discover in conversation.

Other people are not a problem to be solved or a landing pad for all your knowledge and life genius or a place for you to prove your point. Other people are an opportunity to create community and experience love and to maybe even grow and learn something.

How do you approach others?

When you leave conversation can you say you really learned something about them?

I’ll give you a hint, if you aren’t fascincated by another person, you didn’t discover anything.

I’ve worked with thousands of people over the years and I have yet to meet one who isn’t fascinating.

I’ll tell you this: there are no boring people, just inept communicators. If you aren’t walking around in awe of the humans in your sphere, maybe it’s time to stop being a know-it-all and to start discovering the brilliance all around you.

Discovery is the foundation for community and caring. When we discover one another we bond in a way that no other form of communication allows for except maybe physical union. (Like sex, breast feeding, hugging, etc.)

Try this:

Ask a friend or loved one a question (pick one):

“What is the one thing, that if it happened, would make you exponentially happier?”

“Who has been the most powerful influence in your life?”

“What is the one thing you wish people knew about you?”

Now that you have your question, here are some responses – please do not modify or deviate from these:

“That’s interesting, say more…”

“Why is that?”

“What kind of support do you need?”

You can repeat the most relevant response over and over and deepen the conversation. Set a 10 minute time limit and see how far you go. Do not offer advice, solve, therapize, or otherwise attempt to guide the conversation. Just discover. See what happens. Then drop me a line and let me know how good it felt to just listen.