I was at an early Hanukah celebration last night. (The hosts are leaving for vacation in Mexico and wont be here to celebrate Hanukah with their friends so we all got together early)

Anyway, after dinner the conversation turned to the state of the world right now. We ended up talking about community, or lack thereof. As we went around the table it came to light that all of us had experiences of difficulty getting to know our neighbors and the lack of neighborliness in general. This led to philosophizing as to why this might be.

I had a lot of energy around this. Here’s what my inside thoughts were:
We, in the West, seem to be under the mass illusion that “independence” means “not needing anyone”. This happens to the point that otherwise sane and healthy people seek out professional help to find out what’s wrong with them when they have an issue they can’t resolve on their own. Usually this issue is something that, in a community-based mindset, wouldn’t exist at all because the person would have the interaction necessary to not be struggling.

I am all for doing things on your own. But there is a point every person on a personal growth path will reach where they will go as far as they can by themselves and will need other people to go further. This isn’t a weakness on the part of the individual but an acknowledgment of fact.

We are social creatures. This doesn’t merely mean that we need to be around other people. This means that our growth, mental and emotional health, our very survival and success, is dependent upon our connection to others.

Fantasize as we may that we do things by ourselves, those things are only made possible because of someone else’s efforts or contributions.

Maybe you work your butt off and think that you are successful because of all this effort on your part. But because someone else is growing your food you are able to focus your efforts on the things you do. Without the folks growing your food, how far do you think you’d get? Have you ever tried to grow all the food you would need to live? It’s a full time job in and of itself.

While we are, ultimately, responsible for our own lives, our lives cannot be separated from other people. So be proud of what you accomplish but be humble enough to know that if it weren’t for others, many of them complete strangers, you’re life would be much harder.

I’ve gotten to the point where I view independence as a weakness. It’s the psychological equivalent to puberty – a stage, not an end point. And when people stop there I see fear stopping them. Our hearts are constantly urging us to connect and we are constantly rationalizing why we can’t/shouldn’t. “I’ll look silly.” “They’ll think I’m weird.” “You can’t say/do that!”

I’ve experimented with connecting in my community. I talk to complete strangers like I love them, engage children like I’m their aunty, and actually walk up to people I’ve seen in the neighborhood over the years but have never talked to just to find out who they are. Not one single person has ever made me feel anything but welcome. And I have yet to be on the receiving end of this type of interaction. How curious!

I think it takes guts to connect – to move outside what’s “known” into the world outside of your head. No matter how intelligent we are we cannot extrapolate accurate scenarios about how another person will behave. Those imaginings are ours and we need to stop projecting them onto others and go connect with them instead. Do you have the guts for it?

Experiment: Every time you have to buy groceries (What – 2-4 times/month?) smile and say hello to at least 6 people. Notice how they respond but also notice how you feel doing it. Do this for a month. The next month do the same thing but talk with at least 6 people instead of just saying hello.