We’ve all heard about the need for healthy boundaries. But there seems to be a lot of confusion as to what, exactly, healthy boundaries are. I think a lot of us confuse boundaries with barriers and then create walls around the heart.

Let’s start with what a boundary is not. A boundary is not a set of conditions that form a type of interior fencing system where one says “What is behind this fence is my vulnerability, so if people don’t cross the fence then I am safe with them or can trust them.”

There are some kinds of people that we do need this construct with – people who are abusive or mentally ill or otherwise dangerous to be around. But for the rest of the world this type of boundary is actually a barrier. It says that if someone doesn’t behave just as we think they should then its okay to block them from our hearts and deem them dangerous.

Being vulnerable is normal. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are weak or that you need protection. It just means you are human.

But we have such pain avoidance that we have no tolerance for vulnerability and all too readily make up stories and put up walls. We don’t want others to see the soft underbelly so we imagine that the people we can trust are the ones who never hurt us.

No one wants to get hurt. But when this aversion takes precedence over wanting love we set ourselves up to be controlling and small.

It is a fact of life that people, by just being themselves, will cause pain. You, just by being you, will hurt others. There is a difference between intention to hurt and hurt as a natural consequence of just being a person. We need to develop discernment for this if we are to ever really have meaningful connection.

A healthy boundary is an invitation to connect. It is based on self awareness. The kind of self-awareness that says “This is what is healthy for me and if you respect this then we can connect.” But it does not dictate how the respect manifests – it makes room for others to be who and how they are which means we need to be curious as to how someone shows respect and how someone loves. If we do not do this then we cut off connection with the majority of people we meet. And this happens all the time. We decide if someone is “worthy” in the first 5 minutes we meet them. Granted, there are a few people in the world where 5 minutes is all it takes to make this call. But doing it with the majority of people we meet is absolutely absurd.

But this happens all the time. I think this behavior arises when we can’t tell the difference between what is healthy and what is fear. You can tell if you are setting fear-based standards if you decide how a person has to behave with you and what they have to say and how they have to say it. Fear manifests as being controlling or judgmental. It makes us imagine things that are not real and does not allow others room to be who they are with us.

If we think of boundaries as the kinds of experiences we want to have rather than how those experiences have to manifest then we’re off to a good start.

For example, you may really want someone to listen to you, to feel heard. If you let go of what you think that should look like, i.e. “we can talk for hours and this person looks in my eyes and gives relevant feedback so I can tell they are really listening” then you open up to how another person listens and you make room for them to be who they are. Sitting with you and looking in your eyes and nodding is just one manifestation of being heard.

But some people reflect that they hear us through their actions. Others might hear us by carrying around who we are in their own hearts throughout the day and then see something or meet someone that they then share with us with the intention of supporting us. Other people hear us by being willing to adapt something in their lives to better align with our own. And there are many, many more indicators of being heard.

When we create barriers we create very limited ways that people can engage us that we are open to. And we miss all the other kinds of love and connection that land at our feet every single day.

Healthy boundaries are dynamic. They are based on a mentality of discovery and making room for people’s personalities and style and beliefs. Having healthy boundaries means we are willing to learn new ways of connecting outside of our ideas and imaginings. Healthy boundaries are based not on fear but on the assumption that love and connection are the norm.

In order to have healthy boundaries we need to be willing to communicate. We need to be willing to co-create the experiences we have with others and share the responsibility of the kinds of experiences we have with people.

It is far too common, normal even, that people walk around in judgment of others, blaming their experiences and moods on other people. With healthy boundaries we invite people to connect with us in a way that feels good to us and, hopefully, to the other person as well. But it is an active invitation, not some invisible fence we live behind hoping other people will magically know just how to behave with us.

We all have different quirks and personalities and approaches to life. To decide that someone’s approach means they don’t get access to our heart because we’ve deemed them dangerous or undeserving of our love is just sad. And it makes for a very limited pool of connected goodness to swim in.

There is, obviously, so much to say about this subject. But I just wanted to offer some food for thought. I hate when things get in the way of the heart’s beauty. And barriers masquerading as boundaries is an all too common wall.

If you have questions about this, comments, thoughts, I’d love to hear them. I think it warrants discussing. And your ideas and questions help open all of us to new perspectives and the possibility for growth and connection.