Whenever a dear friend and I get together to talk, I always come away so full and juicy with love and thoughts. This last time was no exception.

We have been talking a lot lately about Love as it is a subject we are both passionate about – love in all it’s forms and guises. (Yes, E, I’m talking about you)

We talked about how assumptions can enhance or inhibit the experience of love. We both shared stories about pain we had experienced as a result of when we or a person we love acts from assumptions that antagonize or inhibit love.

One of the assumptions that I see causing the most problems is the assumption of non-connection.

It shows up in a variety of ways: independence, feelings of rejection, not being welcome, working through relationship issues all by yourself, etc.

When we make the assumption of non-connection it is very difficult to give people the benefit of the doubt that they care about us and then act accordingly. The assumption of non-connection results in us making up stories about a current situation based on our patterns and beliefs from the past. So the other person/people suddenly become remarkably like our parents, siblings, ex-husbands/wives or any other humans beings who have hurt us or, at least, not engaged in a connected way.

People involved in personal growth practices will often refer to this phenomenon as “repeating patterns” or “life themes”. I think what causes this experience is more about our consciousness of our assumptions and less about externally causative forces.

In a society that discourages needing anything from others and where each of us is supposed to just know, getting out of a pattern of assuming non-connection can be tricky.

I’d like to share a tool I call it “The Check-In”. The Check-In is a way of sharing our experiences with another person and then asking if what we experienced matches their intention. Warning: this can feel freaky or you can feel very vulnerable. That’s normal. We are not used to being transparent and sharing our internal experiences and feelings with others. It takes practice before it begins to feel comfortable but the benefits of doing this are numerous. Namely, it assumes connection to even be able to do it.

Normally, and many of us don’t even realize we do this, we experience something, go inward to our story, act as if our story is true, then behave accordingly. We rarely, if ever, question our stories. The check-in is making space to step out of our stories and into shared common reality with others. It opens connection.

The Check-In goes like this:

“_______(person’s name) when you said/did­­­­­­­­­­­___________(State what they said or did) I noticed I thought ______and felt ______. Was that your intention?”

Now let’s put this to a real-life scenario. Let’s say you’ve been under a lot of stress and haven’t had much time lately. You’re on your way out the door when you realize you didn’t put your clothes in the dryer. Your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you they will take care of it for you. Two days later you go to retrieve your clothes from the dryer and they are still in the washer, wet and stinky. Now you have a reaction with all kinds of thoughts and feelings coming up.

After you think about it and clarify for yourself what is going on for you, you decide to do a check-in. You say

“So Steve, when you said you would get my clothes into the dryer for me but left them in the washer for two days I noticed I thought that you didn’t take my schedule and stress very seriously and I felt mad and hurt. Was that your intention?”

Now Steve may have had an emergency you don’t know about, drank too much wine that afternoon, has stress of his own, is mad at you and being passive aggressive, or any number of other things.

Steve may or may not be able to respond with clarity but at least he gets to hear what you experienced and how you experienced it. And he gets a chance to respond, rather than just be on the receiving end of your anger.

Sometimes people can actually respond to us in a way that lends clarity. Sometimes they can’t. But at least an opening for connection is being made where there otherwise might just be two people having different experiences all by themselves.

Notice in this that we have a responsibility to get clear within ourselves as best as we can. And the check-in isn’t used to attack someone – it is used to find out if what we are assuming is accurate or not.

Communicating in this way allows us to step into reality with one another and to break free from past hurts and experiences that limit us.

It is best to start to practice with low-charge situations, i.e. things that aren’t that big of a deal. (like a friend has a funny look on their face after you said you hate people who are mean to animals – not a big deal and a good opportunity to practice so you can get used to how it feels and the ones who love you can get used to you communicating more. You can even talk with loved ones and tell them you’d like to have more connection and communication and would they like to practice the check-in with you?

It may be surprising to note that many people actually cop to when they intend to be mean or undermining or hurtful. It’s really amazing. Myself and my clients have all had many experiences where this is the case and it inevitably leads to more clear and deep connections.

We don’t have to figure everything out for ourselves and we don’t have to hold the discomfort of what we think another has done all by ourselves. When we assume connection and communicate where we are we give others a chance to connect more with us and to also learn how we think and feel. When people love us they want to know how to love us better. Tools like the Check-In allow this to happen. Making the assumption of connection even more so.

I think most of us, in our hearts, want more/better connection. And I think most of us are embarrassed or shy about admitting it – especially when we think someone else doesn’t want the same thing.

There is no reason any of us have to be isolated or figuring everything out by ourselves. When we make the assumption of connection we can more easily reach out, share, and experience the very thing we crave.