I recently went through a situation where being ignorant of one’s inner reality – various assumptions, lenses, chemical states, and such – was highly antagonistic to an otherwise incredible connection. It made me sad that two deeply connected people got trapped in the swirl of illusion and couldn’t find each other through the mess of it all.

So often we walk around unaware of the stories we live in. So much so that we don’t even question them. It becomes all too common that we then put that story on another person and see them in our own particular light. Which, in and of itself, is not exactly the problem. The problem is when we are unaware that this is what we are doing. I might walk around in a story, but knowing I’m doing it makes space for me and for you to talk about things and bring the light of truth, or, at least, the light of shared common reality, to the table.

Ignorance really undermines trust, clarity, and evolution. Ignorance of our own mind’s machinations inevitably causes an incredible amount of suffering and separation.

So I started to think about the notion of cultivating the observer so often talked about in eastern spiritual systems. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that there is no other way out of our mental hall-of-mirrors other than to cultivate a witnessing self – a self that can observe our minds, our bodies, our various states, in a way that is separate from those states.

It seems that no matter how “conscious” or deep you are, if you can’t see your own illusions you’re pretty much screwed, at least as far as breaking through the things that separate us. Even someone in a high state of love consciousness will be hard-pressed to truly live that love if they aren’t aware of their own stories and how those stories antagonize connection.

Stories don’t always work against the appearance of connection. Some stories make connection seem more real or more intense.  (we can project our stories of true love onto someone, thinking they are the one we’ve waited for, for example) But stories always work against true, deep down, genuine connection.

And it isn’t that we shouldn’t make-up stories or be subject to chemical states (such as fatigue, anxiety, depression), it’s just that we should be able to bring consciousness to these and then talk through them or have a way not be trapped or limited by them. Sometimes awareness is all it takes as that opens us to others, who can then help us get into a shared common reality with them.

Case in point: a friend and I were talking and he made a hand-gesture very specific to a character in a movie. It took a minute for me to recall the movie but I loved the character he was referring to and I wanted to indicate that I got his reference. Once I indicated he thought I was pointing out that he didn’t know the reference, like I was criticizing him or something. So he checked in with me. And I was able to share what my process was. His comment? “Wow, it’s amazing how we can bring such different contexts to conversation.” His speaking to it allowed us to be in shared common reality. It was very cool.

The stories don’t really matter. What matters is that we register when we are not feeling connected and take steps to clarify things to create the optimal situation for connection. In this way, even if we don’t feel drawn to a person, at least we can be connected with them in a more real way.

Think about it – if a person has a story that they are unloved, or criticized, or that people are trying to shame them, you pretty much become that person in their story who does those things no matter how not like that you are. They just hear things wrong. And ignorance of your own stories, lack of a witnessing self, means that, in all likelihood, you do that to others. I think this is a deep root of why most of us feel either lonely or invisible.

I’m not sure how easy this is to follow. And I know I talk a lot about our stories and such. I just wish more people would do the work necessary to cultivate the witnessing or observing self so we would all stand a better chance of true, lived connection and not just talk about it as some ideal.

Theory is wonderful. Reality is much more gnarly. But the visceral nature of lived experience is FAR more transformative than ideals. Especially when shared.

I’ll leave you with this: there is a wonderful and simple book by Kathleen McDonald called “How To Meditate” and it has a variety of meditation techniques, many of which cultivate the observing self. Once the witness is developed or, at least, awake, then it just takes courage to speak out and to step into a co-created reality with another.